This past Saturday started with me waking up at 7 am ready to head out the door and to GameStop. They had PS5’s available for the first 15 people and I’d been looking for months. I was finally going to be able to get one. This drop I would walk out with one. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, I was second in line, and I was on a discord call with Holly and Tiffany. It was a great start to the day, even if I had to stand outside for two and a half hours and slowly lose feeling in my nose. I had plans for the entire day: Go see Nika and laugh at bad books for a few hours, go home to my parents, eat their cooking and watch a tv show, and then finally go home and play on my brand new PS5.

Everything seemed like a normal day. The only problem was it was April 2nd. Laura’s one year death anniversary. Through the day my mind kept screaming at me. “Why are you so happy when Laura is dead?” “It’s the one year anniversary, you should spend all day crying and mourning her.” “Hanging out with friends and family to not think too deeply about her is pure cowardice.” Realistically I know that I am allowed to move on. I can be happy and still mourn Laura. But there was something about Saturday where it just felt like a normal day and I knew that it really wasn’t. Maybe I actually was getting over her loss. The idea scared me, so I decided to ignore it and be clingier with my friends. Sunday passed by in a similar sense. Playing my PS5, running errands, and logging onto work for a few hours.

Then I woke up this morning.

I had some dream where I was telling Laura about big events in my life. I was talking to her as if her ghost was sitting next to me. I fully awoke feeling like something was missing. I logged into work, still thinking about her, and after a bit I looked at the time. 10:36 am April 4th, 2022. And then it hit me. For me it had now been a year.

Laura may have died on April 2nd, 2021 but I didn’t know until a little before 11 am on April 4th. To me, today was her official 1 year death anniversary because before this I thought she was still alive.

All my friends know this, so I’m not sure why I’m writing it out. Maybe its so one day I can find this in the future and think about it again. But… Well… Here it goes. The story of one year ago.

Friday, April 2nd 2021 was Good Friday. I’m not religious. And I definitely don’t celebrate most Christian holidays. The only reason I knew this was because of BBC. I came into work on that Friday and did my normal routine. Check my teams messages, check my outlook emails, respond to any urgent ones, and then log into BBC. Every morning I like reading the news. American and Indian specifically, but I do like to read most other things that are trending.

I saw the top article. Taiwan: Dozens killed as train crashes and derails in tunnel. That’s so sad. I think and click on the article. It describes how dozens were killed and hundreds were injured because of the train crash. It was an annual holiday so more people had been traveling. Not much detail is listed. No reason listed for why the train was running if construction was ongoing on the track. I think of Laura. She’s in Taiwan and likes traveling. I should check up on her. I text her ‘Hey how’s it going.’

Simple and to the point. Hopefully it won’t make me seem like a weirdo checking in on her. She doesn’t respond back by the time I start actually working. But it’s ok, I tell myself, It’s late in Taiwan anyways’. I don’t think too much of the accident for the rest of the day. The next day I wake up. No text from Laura. Maybe she’s busy. She is having the time of her life, going place to place every weekend. She was probably too tired to text me back and will later.

I keep checking my phone. Something seems wrong. I start looking more into the articles. What happened in this train crash? Who was injured? I start googling the names of the victims. I feel silly doing it. There’s no way Laura’s name would be here. I’m just being too paranoid. I don’t find any of the victims names released but I do see some foreigners were listed to be on the train.

But that’s ok. Taiwan has a lot of people visiting. And it was a national holiday so there might be tourists seeing what was happening too. There’s no cause for concern. I’m just really paranoid for no reason. Still, my hands are shaking and I’m thinking about worst case scenarios.

I need someone. I need someone who I can talk to. Someone who will probably understand. So I call Alicia.

Have you heard from Laura? She’s not responding to me. There was a train crash in Taiwan. I feel silly saying this out loud to someone.

Alicia promises me she will text Laura and let me know if she responds to her. It’s really weird. Laura always responds quickly, she says.

I joke about my weird paranoia and she pauses. ‘She’s probably fine.’

There was a second where I felt it. That quick pause. Alicia was worried now too. We talk for a bit longer and reassure ourselves. Laura’s never gone radio silent before but maybe she’s busy. It is late for her.

We talk about other things that I don’t even remember and then hang up with promises of letting the other person know if Laura responds.

I stay worried, but I decide that I’m being anxious for no reason. Laura is fine. I take some deep breaths and finish off my day. We were going to record the next episode of our podcast later that weekend and I still hadn’t seen any of the movies. The Girl on the Train. I read the plot synopsis and stay up until 4 am watching both movies and taking notes.

Sunday April 4th. I had been awake for about an hour when I get a call from Varsha. She never calls me this early so I pick up, ready to make a joke about how she couldn’t wait to hear my lovely voice. Instead I hear her say ‘Hey’. Her breath is shaky and its obvious she’s been crying. Varsha and I call each other about a lot. I’ve called her crying numerous times. There was a lot happening in our lives that might have warranted this call.

But she’s crying.

My heart drops.

Laura. I can only think about Laura.

She tells me the news. I refuse to believe it. There’s no way it’s true. Other people’s friends die but mine don’t. It wouldn’t happen to Laura. It’s a mistake. But Laura hadn’t responded to me. Or Alicia.

Speaking of Alicia. I ask her who else knew.

I’m the first one she told.

I still refuse to believe it. I contact Laura’s best friend on Instagram. Have you heard from Laura? I ask her. I didn’t want to type out dead and Laura in the same sentence. Instead of responding she video calls me.

It’s not good. She’s crying. Which makes me start crying harder. There was an accident, she tells me. I know. I know there was an accident. I knew since the 2nd. She was dead.

I call Varsha again. We tell the others together. There are more articles out. I devour all of them. I need to know everything. Why did this happen? Who allowed it to happen? How did this happen?

There’s a missing 28 year old American, says one article. Laura just turned 28. They can’t find her body. My mind starts racing, imagining the worst case scenarios of what happened. I feel sick. My eyes hurt because I had spent all day crying. ‘Hydrate’ we text each other often. We cancel the podcast indefinitely. Laura made the cover art for us. One person mentions how ironic it is that we were supposed to be covering Girl on the Train. I start to feel sick.

I spend most of the day on the phone. I feel lost. This happens to other people. My heart hurts. Her life was finally going the way she wanted. This isn’t real life.

I still hurt. It’s been a year. To me, since the day I found out, I still don’t believe it. I’ve had too many dreams with Laura. Her talking to me. Me stopping her from going on the train. Us just hanging out. It’s never ending. I feel so happy whenever I dream about her. And then I wake up.

I thought I was doing more ok. And compared to last year I definitely am, but that’s a low bar. I don’t cry anytime I hear her name anymore. Instead I just have this need to constantly bring her up. Every small thing that reminds me of her I’ll say it to someone. I went on a first date with this guy at the ice cream store. He brought up the Olympics and I started talking about Laura. There was really no need for me to. But if I stop talking about her it means I’m over her death. And I’m not ok with that. I wasn’t 7 months ago and I’m not now.

Love you forever Laura.