It’s a little past midnight on Sunday September 12, 2021. I decided to start trying this new thing of sleeping before 10, but so far it looks like I’m SOL. Many thoughts are keeping me up tonight.

Mostly about Laura.

I miss her. Words don’t describe how much I miss her.

I created this wordpress blog the week she died. I had so many things I wanted to say but I didn’t know how to start. I’ve been thinking about what I should say for the past few months. I even downloaded the app onto my phone so I could type on the go. But every time I think about actually sitting down and writing this out I get scared.

I’m scared because when I actually hit publish, it means Laura will be gone. And I don’t know how to handle that.

Laura’s roommate from Taiwan posted on the Facebook page today. In a part of it, she described how she felt after hearing about the accident. It was only a paragraph long but it was one of the most raw things I’ve ever read. It’s been 6 hours and the words are still swimming through my head.

‘it should have been me’ she wrote.

I feel the same way. I know its so irrational. I wasn’t anywhere near Taiwan. I wasn’t ever going to get on that train. But even then.

‘it should have been me’

I can feel Laura glaring at me for even thinking this.

Laura is such a bright person. She went out and talked to people. She tried to fight the injustices she saw. She made an impact on so many people’s lives. I can’t and will never compare. I never imagined that she would die before me. Her, the girl who has so much to offer to this world.

I wish so so badly that she was still here. I would do anything bring her back.

I thought I had gone through the five stages of grief, but it looks like I keep flipping between bargaining and depression.

please, just take me instead of her

please bring her back

please let me just talk to her once more

please

I think I need to talk to someone.